I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
