Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
