i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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