Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
