she takes plan B like it's going out of style
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
