so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
