my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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