I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Still dying that you shit outside
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
