Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
