You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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