and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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