i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm sobbing to NWA
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
