I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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