My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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