You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
