No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
