So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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