yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
