She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
