i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
