I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
