Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
