I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
