and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
