You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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