my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
