PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
