you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
