We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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