All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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