Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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