Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
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