Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
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