I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
