I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
