I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
