So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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