Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
