I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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