I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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