at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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