I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
