I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
