I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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