Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
