I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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