I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
