Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Houston, we have a blender
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
