Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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