I hope mine doesn't look like that
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
