Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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