I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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