This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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